President Barack Obama's top quips from his after-dinner speech at Saturday's White House Correspondents' Association dinner:
“Good evening. You know, I had an entire speech prepared for this occasion. But now that I’m here, I think I want to try something a little different. Tonight, I want to speak from the heart. So, I’m not going to use this script. I’m going to speak off the cuff. [Two teleprompter shields rise slowly from beneath the podium, to musical accompaniment. Laughter.] Good evening … [huge laughter]
“I’d like to welcome you all to the ten-day anniversary of my first one hundred days. I’m Barack Obama. Most of you covered me. All of you voted for me. Apologies to the Fox table. [He peers into the distance stage left, doing his Chris Rock thing of grinning at his own funny.] I have to confess I really didn’t want to be here tonight, but I knew I had to come. Just one more problem I inherited from George Bush. …
“Sasha and Malia aren’t here tonight because they are grounded. You can’t just take Air Force One on a joyride around Manhattan. I don’t care whose kids you are. And that reminds me: Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. This is a tough holiday for Rahm. He’s not used to saying the word ‘day’ after ‘mother.’ [Brings the house down.]
“David Axelrod is here. We’ve been together a long time. I can still remember when I called Ax a few years ago and said, ‘You and I can do wonderful things together.” And he said to me the same thing that partners across America are saying to one another right now: ‘Let’s go to Iowa and make it official.’
“Michael Steele is in the house tonight. Or as he would say, ‘in the heezy.’ … Dick Cheney was supposed to be here, but he’s very busy working on his memoirs, tentatively titled, ‘How to Shoot Friends and Interrogate People.’
“You know, it’s been a whirlwind of activity, these first one hundred days. We’ve enacted an economic recovery package. We’ve passed a budget. We’ve forged a new path in Iraq. And no President in history has named three Commerce secretaries this quickly. By the way, if Judd Gregg is here, your business cards are ready. On top of that, I’ve also reversed the ban on stem cell research, signed an expansion of children’s health insurance, and just last week, Car and Driver magazine named me Auto Executive of the Year!
Watch Obama's full remarks at the dinner:
“We’ve also begun to change the culture in Washington. We’ve even made the White House a place where people can learn and grow. Just yesterday, Larry Summers asked if he could chair the White House Council on Women and Girls. And I do appreciate Larry coming tonight, because it is seven hours past his bedtime …
“That brings me to another thing that’s changed – my relationship with Hillary. We may have been rivals during the campaign, but these days we couldn’t be closer. In fact, the second she got back from Mexico she greeted me with a big hug and a kiss – told me I really oughta get down there myself.
“As I said during the campaign, we can’t just talk to our friends. As hard as it is, we have to talk with our enemies. And I’ve begun to do exactly that. [Image of the President in the Oval Office, shaking hands with an elaborately costumed pirate.] But let me be clear: Just because he handed me a copy of Peter Pan, doesn’t mean I’m gonna read it. …
“During the second hundred days, we will design, build, and open a library dedicated to my first hundred days. In the next hundred days, I will learn to go off prompter – and Joe Biden will learn to stay on it.
"In the next hundred days, our bipartisan outreach will be so successful that even John Boehner will consider becoming a Democrat. After all, we have a lot in common. He is a person of color. Although not a color that appears in the natural world. … In the next hundred days, we will house train our dog Bo – because the last thing Tim Geithner needs is someone else treating him like a fire hydrant. In the next hundred days, I will also strongly consider losing my cool. [mugs serenely] Finally, I believe that my next hundred days will be so successful, I will be able to complete them in 72 days. And on the 73rd day, I will rest.”
(da Politico)
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